it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
