I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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