just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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