your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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