Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We have started to decorate penises.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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