You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
