The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
tell me about the eggs
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
