You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
