im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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