i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
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just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
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He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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