Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize