I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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