can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just forgot I was standing up.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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