based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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