When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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