Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
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A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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