im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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