I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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