You can't motorboat a personality
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
