so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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