So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
