the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
