i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
