If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
