Someone shit on the floor
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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