Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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