4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
