ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
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you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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