My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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