With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
