Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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