dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
