Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
