my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
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I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
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My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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