I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Randomize
