did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
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You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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