Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
