Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Farmville is her only friend.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
