the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
