I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
