someone owes me an orgasm
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
