Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
