He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
