What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
