I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
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So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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