Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
