if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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