I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
