Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
