you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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