I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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