he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dicks are not precious.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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