you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
the raccoons are back...
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