ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
