Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
