wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
