Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
