when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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