I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
