My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
